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Making Sense
October 5,2006A week like this one makes us all question whether or not there is any order to the universe. PurpleThink feels your pain. We want to help you make sense of what you see, hear and read. Truth is, you know more than you think you do.
Thus, we provide you with this short quiz to bring you comfort -- the kind of comfort that can only come from confidence in your power to fit people into small manageable ideological boxes.
Matching
Place the representative letter next to the appropriate behavior
A Conservative
B Liberal
C MSM
D Islamo-fascist
1. When confronted with a state sponsoring terrorism, how do you address the crisis?Arm your ally, refuse to talk with the enemy, and find a way to tie them to uranium purchases in Niger. When challenged, invade.
Threaten sanctions, petition the U.N., and pass resolutions. When challenged, threaten more sanctions.
Report the missed warning signs, profile the terrorist leader, and ask Anna Nicole Smith what she thinks. When challenged, blame Fox.
Enrich uranium, fund extremists, and blame Israel. When challenged, kill somebody.
2. When news breaks about a sex scandal in congress, how do you confront the situation?
Run the story 24/7, interview the perp, interview his high school janitor, and then analyze how it will affect the upcoming election. When challenged, find someone who knew but didn’t say anything. Repeat process until Anna Nicole news breaks.
If your party’s involved, deny it, stall, acknowledge it, stall, and then distance yourself from the perpetrator. When challenged, blame the other party for politicizing it.
If your party’s involved deny it, stall, acknowledge it, stall, and then hold the person up as a victim of some protected group. When challenged, blame the other party for politicizing it.
March with guns, decry American decadence, and blame Israel. When challenged, kill somebody.
3. When oil prices skyrocket to record levels, how do you address the news?
Pledge funding for alternative fuel research, blame Halliburton and SUVs. When challenged, say “if only we signed Kyoto!”
Pledge laws that allow drilling in Alaska, blame Chavez and Ahmadinejad. When challenged, say “if only we built more refineries!”
Pledge to uncover collusion, blame American lust for energy and Anna Nicole. When challenged, say “if only we were like Europe!”
Pledge to kill Americans, blame Bush, Blair and the house of Saud. When challenged, say “if only there was no Israel,” – oh, then kill somebody.
4. When homosexuals demand equal rights, what are your talking points?
“Marriage is the union of one man and one woman.”
“Homosexuality is not a choice.”
“Look at Anna Nicole, you still wanna talk about the sanctity of marriage?”
“Kill the Americans! Kill the Jews!”
5. When envisioning a world utopia, what do you see?
Everyone is Muslim, dead, or Muslim and dead with their full complement of virgins.
Everyone is rich, heterosexual, and has the Ten Commandments posted on their SUV
Everyone is poor, bi-sexual, and makes $10 an hour working as a CEO or Wal-Mart clerk – your choice.
Everyone understands there’s a little Anna Nicole in all of us. Don’t worry – there’s enough to go around.
6. When space aliens threaten to destroy the earth, how do you propose to protect mankind?
Attempt to understand what we did to make aliens hate us, and invite them to a summit. When challenged, call everyone racist.
Nuke em. When challenged, point to the congressional resolution allowing presidential pre-emptive strikes on terrorist targets with WMDs.
Convince everyone the 12th imam has come. Kill someone along with yourself. You can’t be challenged, you’re dead.
Print that the father of Anna Nicole’s baby is Uloo, leader of the aliens. You won’t be challenged – it finally all makes sense.
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