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Hezbollah Leader, Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah
September 14, 2006
PPE: Sheikh, it’s a pleasure to speak with you.
Phone rings.
HN: (to assistant) I said, hold all calls! (to interviewer) Sorry about that, it’s been crazy around here.
PPE: I can see that. Since the end of your conflict with Israel, you have become the darling of Arab world. You have come to embody the entire anti-Israeli movement.
HN: Tell me about it. I had to hire an agent just to keep up with all the interviews, and other requests.
PPE: Other requests? Like what?
HN: Well, some just want me over for dinner – but others want me to preside over their wedding, a loved one’s funeral, or bless their Katushka – stuff like that.
PPE: There are stories about rock bands in the West Bank creating songs about you.
HN: Yeah. How about that? I have my lawyers working on that one.
PPE: Lawyers?
HN: Well, of course. I cannot have my name being used without the proper compensation.
PPE: We’re talking about those wishing to take your lead in the fight against Israelis – you want to charge them?
HN: Just protecting intellectual property. We need to continually find sources of income for our movement. Take our merchandising arm for example.
PPE: Merchandising arm?
HN: Certainly. Hassan Omnimedia is in talks with mass marketers like Wal-Mart for a full line of branded merchandise. We have the Nasrallah Litani Natural Spring Water and the Hassan Nasrallah Grill as our anchor product. Did you know it siphons off twice the fat as that infidel George Foreman grill?
PPE: Why is all this necessary when you receive funding from Iran and Syria?
HN: (laughs) You mean the alleged funding from Iran and Syria?
PPE: Uh, sure.
HN: Well, you see, we’ve moved beyond the venture capitalist stage. The seed money we received got us name recognition to pull-off the Israeli conflict. Now, we need to stand on our own two feet – our shareholders demand it.
PPE: Shareholders?
HN: Well, they aren’t shareholders exactly – actually just rich families in the Bakkaa valley that pay us protection money. We don’t go public until mid-2007.
PPE: So, how would you characterize your relationship with Iran and Syria?
HN: We are an independent franchisee.
PPE: This would confirm the Bush administration assertion that this is one global war on terror.
HN: Not quite. See, al Qaeda is a competing brand. Their business model includes a global distribution network across varied demographics. Hezbollah, on the other hand, is more like the Taliban. We seek to saturate this single market and monopolize the Islamic fundamentalists in the 8-65 demographic within our own Middle Eastern footprint.
PPE: So, what’s next for you?
HN: Well, we’re concerned that al Qaeda received a lot of free press surrounding the 9/11 anniversary. It seems they have the better name recognition. Our marketing department sees al Qaeda becoming like Kleenex or Xerox – you know – synonymous with terror. We can’t let that happen. We need our own 9/11.
PPE: What does that mean?
HN: Well, let’s just say we think we can grow quickly by merger and acquisition – the Chechnyan and Palestinian brands are ripe for take-over right now and together with a 9/11 style blitz of our own might gain the market-share we need.
PPE: Can you give us an idea as to what’s in store?
HN: Can’t give away trade secrets, you know, but it’s safe to say our newest campaign will create a lot of buzz in terrorist circles – our competition won’t know what hit ‘em.
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