U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
February 8, 2006

PPE – Thank you for your time today.

AG – Certainly. Good to get off Capitol Hill and talk to the sons and daughters of the heartland.

PPE – oooo kay. I may not be as kind as you’d like. Our readers are concerned that your argument for ignoring the laws on wiretapping is weak.

AG – Now, now -- I never said the law should be ignored – it simply doesn’t apply in this case.

PPE – Please explain.

AG – Let’s take this from the top. I’ll try and keep this simple for you. The President was authorized to use “all necessary and appropriate force” to deal with terrorists after 9/11 and this certainly fits into that category.

PPE – I understand that. But, some would say that the Congress empowered President Bush to use military action and other intelligence activity abroad and not in the case of U.S. citizens.

AG – So young and innocent you are. The terrorists’ main goal is to blend in to U.S. society – among U.S. citizens – using U.S.-based telecommunications to plan an attack. This is not a conventional war we’re talking about – the rules have changed.

PPE – That makes sense. But, wouldn’t also make sense to propose legislation for honest and open debate that would change the law to accommodate this new kind of warfare?

AG – Ahhh, who’s the little blog writer? That’s right, you are – look how cute you are. I have to say no, because honest and open debate would make our enemies aware of our intentions.

PPE – Let me try a different angle. You say that we are only wiretapping known terrorists that are engaged in overseas conversations.

AG – Yes.

PPE – Well, if they’re known terrorists, why don’t we just arrest them instead of wiretapping them?

AG – I just can’t get over how adorable you are. Secretly monitoring conversations can lead to uncovering a plot to harm Americans – you can’t just arrest everyone with known terrorist ties.

PPE – That actually makes sense. But this takes me back to the legal issue. What’s to keep this president or future presidents from using this precedent to expand surveillance activity beyond obvious terrorist targets.

AG – The law – did you do your high school civics homework? We are acting strictly under the law passed by Congress outlining the president’s authority to hunt down terrorists – all other activity would be unlawful.

PPE – But, with no FISA court jurisdiction, who’s there to ensure the President stays within those guidelines?

AG – Now you’re just being silly. I don’t understand where you’re going here?

PPE – Well, hypothetically speaking, let’s say a president wanted to bug an office building. Let’s say -- oh, I don’t know -- one where another political party had offices. If there is no objective authority to review wiretapping requests – the president would be free to do this.

AG – Learning sarcasm are we? You’re growing up so fast.

PPE – Protecting the country form terrorists is far different, but who’s to stop the president from going that direction?

AG – Let the grown-ups deal with this Sonny. It’s a risk worth taking to protect Americans.

PPE – How are security and liberty mutually exclusive here? Can’t you develop a law that protects both our security and our liberty?

AG – It’s not necessary. The president is completely within his authority.

PPE – Not necessary?! The entire Constitution was built to separate power in order to promote liberty. Can’t we find a way to reduce FISA bureaucracy and keep legitimate NSA wiretaps moving along within a legal framework?

AG – No. No. No. Now I’ve had enough of this. Any undo oversight would bottleneck wiretap requests and slow down a response to terrorism.

PPE – How about retroactive requests? We build a law that outlines the specific instances in which the president can go forward and then submit requests after-the-fact to have a record of executive action.

AG – Nope.

PPE – Why not?

AG – ‘Cause I said so.

PPE – Now you’re talking down to me.

AG – I’m the Attorney General and what I say goes, young man!

PPE – Young man?

AG – Are you talking back?

PPE – Listen, I’m 36 years old and a professional. This is most inappropriate.

AG – Go to your room.

PPE – Excuse me?

AG – You heard me. Go to your room. You’re grounded.

PPE – But…

AG – Don’t make me call the FBI. I’ll do it, you know.

PPE – Okay, okay! Geeze.

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